Wook who claimed to time travel seemed to only do it on ketamine

This past weekend I met this awesome wook named Starbeam, who told a few of us at a small gathering that he could time travel into the future. Curious enough to know how he could do it, I asked if he could share his experience. Starbeam looked at all of intensely as he went into storytelling mode. At this point, I knew there was no going back now as I had just unlocked his inner wook feature of storytelling. 

Starbeam, like most wooks I’ve seen, had a sacred crystal and as he started to tell his cool story he took his crystal out to hold. At this point, I had assumed that the crystal had something to do with his ability to time travel. Apparently, the crystal was just for comfort because as soon as he started his story he quickly revealed that ketamine was used to help him time travel. 

He went on to mention that taking a high dosage of ketamine was recommended to time travel. I’ve tried a bump of ketamine myself in the past and it took me out, so his theory didn’t add up. Seeing that some of us had lost interest in his story, he took out a baggie of white powder and poured out what looked like half a G of ketamine on to the table. He was determined to show us he wasn’t lying and at this point, I thought I was going to see something out of back to the future. Starbeam laid out two lines of ketamine, which looked like two fat albino gorilla fingers.

As he quickly snorted all of it, he flew back into the chair and became motionless. At this point we thought the wook died. He was breathing, but none responsive. We knew he had fallen into the biggest k-hole anyone had ever witnessed. We walked off leaving him there knowing he’d be fine and with time would get himself out of the k-hole. It seemed hours had passed and we were all planning on going home when he awoke from his time in deep space. In celebration he came running to us and greeted us as if he had made it hours into the future. To his surprise his future trip was nothing more than a k-hole and a near death experience.

Alan Walker always had his mask in case of a pandemic

Alan Walker finally reveals the truth behind his face mask and why it’s a big part of his wardrobe. Staying healthy while on the road is a major challenge that him and a lot of producers face. Wearing his face mask which makes him look cool and also helps contribute to maintaining good health has proven more than enough.“I just want to keep doing what I love and not get sick while doing it” said Alan Walker. Alan also knows that not being a wook has it’s consequences, which means not having immunity to the common festival flu.

“There’s always a possibility of the festival flu turning into something big that could be considered a pandemic level size event” said Alan Walker. Hoping his big influence in the EDM scene would be enough to help those understand the importance of wearing a mask, especially if we want to go back to the way it was and calling drive in raves a temporary bandaid.

Currently on his website you’ll be able to buy masks and make him even richer while he helps the fight against the Coronavirus.

Glovers are the rave scene version of religious white short sleeve button up teens on bikes

Ever got an unwanted light show from a glover at a rave? Chances are you most likely have. Isn’t it just fun while you’re there rolling harder than ever and enjoying the six figure production in front of you and then bam an LED lit pair of hands are just inches from your face moving in all different directions. To compare this feeling of interruption its like being woken up from a sex dream at 8am just to have a pair of religious teens with bicycles knocking at your front door.

EDM has peaked! Plot twist… you’re actually getting old

Seems every week someone is making a claim that EDM has peaked. You’ve most likely clicked on this because you probably feel it has, but the real situation here is that you’re no longer in your early twenties and the crowd that seems to never age along with the new artists totally kill your vibe. At this point of the article I may have pissed off 75% of readers.

I’ve come to point out that EDM hasn’t officially reached its peak nor is the bubble popping like some claim. The scene has always been there, but decided to go mainstream in 2006 or so and I’m sure those in that era claimed that it peaked then. 2009-2013 were the golden years for EDM especially from a global market standpoint, which brought new opportunities and growth. My opinion, we’re maintaining everything from the last 15 years and gradually adding to the EDM success pot.

For some this may all be a phase in life and eventually grow out of it while others will stay and complain about the good old days and how the scene ain’t the same and it has totally peaked.

Orgy in music festival crowd mistaken for Asian train

It’s situations like this that make us lucky to have a 2nd round of the Corona hit and keep us isolated indoors. This past weekend in Sacramento, CA a few residents decided to throw an illegal outdoor music festival that became massive rather quickly. Seemed everyone was there to support the local EDM talent and to enjoy the breath of fresh air with no law enforcement in sight. Those who organized the spontaneous event didn’t think it would be everyone’s go to plan, but with the news spreading on social media that changed. The outdoor space was tight, but manageable.

Pushes came to shoves, but being in Cali no one batted an eye and assumed it was the good old Asian train at work. It took one attendee to slip and fall on semen to then quickly realize that the Asian train was no Asian train, but a massive orgy. At this point the illegal music festival had to stop due to the fear of the coronavirus spreading. Organizers didn’t see this coming and feel that they’d be blamed if the city of Sacramento saw a spike in cases due to this past weekends event.

The Organizers are urging those who partook or witnessed the orgy to get tested for the COVID. These gentlemen would love to throw another event soon, but safety is a major priority.

Washing machine take dubstep producers to court for copyright infringement

This news comes in only days after the Space Jesus news. A washing machine seems to have had enough with staying quiet and is taking a handful of dubstep producers to court. The washing machine claims that its sounds have been used for samples countless times and its never been compensated for any of the success it may have given from those samples. Lawyers from the firm ‘We taking your ass to court’ have offered to give their services for free and are proud to represent the washing machine in court.

The lawsuit includes royalties made along with partial rights to any successful track with any sound from a washing machine in it… In this case this would be the majority of dubstep ever made dating back to 2008. As we look at it this might be the biggest case in US history.

Cops offer to test drugs for free so you don’t have to spend your money on a test kit

Cops throughout the US are doing everything in their power to prove their loyalty to the American public. Currently cops have a promotion going on that allows those unsure of their drugs who don’t own test kits to come in to local police stations to have proper testing done by the authorities. By doing this cops hope they keep the users and streets safe. There are no hidden fees and this will be done for free.

Below you’ll find a post about a concerned police department offering its testing services:

Trump promises mega rave with installation of LED border wall

Donald Trump is at it again with his demand for Mexico to pay for the border wall, but there seems to be a twist! Trump wants to install LED along the border in hopes of uniting the two neighboring nations by throwing a mega rave. This act is only to help ease tensions caused through out his presidency. If successful Trump will give Mexico 50% control of the artist lineup, but limits Mexico to only booking EDM artists and no mariachi‘s. As for water sales water north of the border will be 5 dollars while our neighbors to the south only have to pay 5 pesos.

Trump is really working hard on getting this all done before November and hopes this will help him capture the victory over Biden. We got a few words in with the orange fellow and he quickly reminded us that Biden hates the rave scene and that he’d never do an act of kindness like throwing a mega rave.

Most parties claiming ‘one for the books’ never appeared in any books

Till this day I’ve never witnessed a party I’ve been to published in any book. I’m getting a bit annoyed at this point, especially when told “this party is one for the books”. Promoters are definitely the ones to blame for this, especially for over using the popular phrase to hype up parties with low potential. Many of us lightweights never seem to hang and end up blacked out somewhere and for this reason we look forward to this book which was mentioned, recapping the party. It would be kind of dope to have a narrative on how I made a fool of myself and became another internet meme.

Study: Being a head banger can lead to internal decapitation

Head bangers you’ve been warned that excessive head banging could lead to fatal injuries. Dr. Thomas who’s a spine doctor at Jackson memorial hospital in Miami, FL has been covering this topic for the last 5 years by attending music festivals and studying head bangers. Dr. Thomas explains that fast constant whip lashing can cause the head to detach itself from the neck.

While working on a permanent fix, Dr. Thomas has developed a neck brace to be worn at music events where head banging activity is most probable. Dr. Thomas is also going as far as getting the law involved. Miami the first of many cities has passed a law that anyone including DJ’s who promote head banging will be charged with attempted murder.

Miami hopes that other cities with heavy bass influence follows in its footsteps to save as many young live as possible.