Wook who claimed to time travel seemed to only do it on ketamine

This past weekend I met this awesome wook named Starbeam, who told a few of us at a small gathering that he could time travel into the future. Curious enough to know how he could do it, I asked if he could share his experience. Starbeam looked at all of intensely as he went into storytelling mode. At this point, I knew there was no going back now as I had just unlocked his inner wook feature of storytelling. 

Starbeam, like most wooks I’ve seen, had a sacred crystal and as he started to tell his cool story he took his crystal out to hold. At this point, I had assumed that the crystal had something to do with his ability to time travel. Apparently, the crystal was just for comfort because as soon as he started his story he quickly revealed that ketamine was used to help him time travel. 

He went on to mention that taking a high dosage of ketamine was recommended to time travel. I’ve tried a bump of ketamine myself in the past and it took me out, so his theory didn’t add up. Seeing that some of us had lost interest in his story, he took out a baggie of white powder and poured out what looked like half a G of ketamine on to the table. He was determined to show us he wasn’t lying and at this point, I thought I was going to see something out of back to the future. Starbeam laid out two lines of ketamine, which looked like two fat albino gorilla fingers.

As he quickly snorted all of it, he flew back into the chair and became motionless. At this point we thought the wook died. He was breathing, but none responsive. We knew he had fallen into the biggest k-hole anyone had ever witnessed. We walked off leaving him there knowing he’d be fine and with time would get himself out of the k-hole. It seemed hours had passed and we were all planning on going home when he awoke from his time in deep space. In celebration he came running to us and greeted us as if he had made it hours into the future. To his surprise his future trip was nothing more than a k-hole and a near death experience.

Glovers are the rave scene version of religious white short sleeve button up teens on bikes

Ever got an unwanted light show from a glover at a rave? Chances are you most likely have. Isn’t it just fun while you’re there rolling harder than ever and enjoying the six figure production in front of you and then bam an LED lit pair of hands are just inches from your face moving in all different directions. To compare this feeling of interruption its like being woken up from a sex dream at 8am just to have a pair of religious teens with bicycles knocking at your front door.

EDM has peaked! Plot twist… you’re actually getting old

Seems every week someone is making a claim that EDM has peaked. You’ve most likely clicked on this because you probably feel it has, but the real situation here is that you’re no longer in your early twenties and the crowd that seems to never age along with the new artists totally kill your vibe. At this point of the article I may have pissed off 75% of readers.

I’ve come to point out that EDM hasn’t officially reached its peak nor is the bubble popping like some claim. The scene has always been there, but decided to go mainstream in 2006 or so and I’m sure those in that era claimed that it peaked then. 2009-2013 were the golden years for EDM especially from a global market standpoint, which brought new opportunities and growth. My opinion, we’re maintaining everything from the last 15 years and gradually adding to the EDM success pot.

For some this may all be a phase in life and eventually grow out of it while others will stay and complain about the good old days and how the scene ain’t the same and it has totally peaked.

Most parties claiming ‘one for the books’ never appeared in any books

Till this day I’ve never witnessed a party I’ve been to published in any book. I’m getting a bit annoyed at this point, especially when told “this party is one for the books”. Promoters are definitely the ones to blame for this, especially for over using the popular phrase to hype up parties with low potential. Many of us lightweights never seem to hang and end up blacked out somewhere and for this reason we look forward to this book which was mentioned, recapping the party. It would be kind of dope to have a narrative on how I made a fool of myself and became another internet meme.

Virtual rave veterans complain that the virtual scene ain’t the same anymore

Two months deep into this whole virtual rave scene and we’ve seen a whole evolutional change according to some. Those who were part of the scene before it became “mainstream” complain that there’s a whole bunch of posers. “PLUR avenger” who claims to be an OG reminisces on the old virtual rave days where people appreciated the live stream acts and were watching for the love of music. “I miss those days” said PLUR avenger. As time passes by fellow OG virtual ravers are getting together and spreading their knowledge and sharing pictures and videos of the “good old days” with in EDM groups on Facebook.

Marshmello’s mom forgot what her son looks like

We all know Dotcom took a different route to EDM popularity years ago and came out with a new entity known as Marshmello. Taking a more of a secret identity approach even though we all know who it really is by now, it seems Marshmello takes his costume look a little too far. It’s claimed by family members and friends that the helmet never comes off. His mom on the other hand has forgotten what her son looks like and even forgot what he sounds like. “Its been so long since I saw my little boy and sometimes wonder if that person in the helmet is really him”. Marshmello’s mom begs for him to take off the helmet, but he is determined to stay in character. We got to speak to his girlfriend and she claims that even during sexual intercourse the helmet stays on and by now she has gotten use to the situation and treats it as role playing during sex. Marshmello on the other hand has a stunning career that keeps getting better for him.

Ravers who were looking for Molly were actually part of a police search party

The search for Molly went cold as memories of her faded over the years. From undercover cops at events to our fellow ravers, everyone was looking for Molly. The news spread like wildfire, but no one ever found her. Flyers, shirts and even posts on social media were made in hopes of finding Molly, but no luck. Top DJs were also part of the search offering up resources in hopes of finding her. This tragic event has taught me a few things, that ravers will have each others back, this community does care and PLUR exists. The effort everyone put into this search gives me hope that this scene will never die.

Ghost producers are actually dead DJ’s

Bangers have been dropping and at times we don’t know who to really thank until now. A team of ghost busters have been investigating a case at a recording studio that is considered to be haunted. Ivan who’s lead investigator of the team and has been a ghost buster for over 40 years took this particular job due to his love of music and his belief that these amazing sequence of beats are coming from beyond the grave.

Tools like voice recorders, infrared thermometers and ghost boxes were used and placed through out the studio. Left for 24 hours to collect data and information pertaining to witness complaints, a lot that was collected coincided with statements made from those who witnessed the paranormal activities. After some research and processing it’s firmly believed that songs are still being created by producers who’ve passed away and are being taken by crappy producers to pass off as their own masterpiece. Due to privacy issues and for the respect of families still mourning names could not be released.

Ivan goes on to state that “this is not a myth and in fact true and that producers need to hop off and be more creative”. Currently there are 5 pending lawsuits from music producers against Ivan’s ghost busting agency. “The truth hurts” said Ivan.

F*ck theCoronaVirus music festival is on its way

Music fans are rejoiced with news that festival organizers are in the works of getting a music festival going even though we’re in the middle of this CoronaVirus madness. F*ck The CoronaVirus Music Festival, which is planned for the end of this month will take place in Miami, FL.

City officials have gone ahead with a list of guidelines that the music festival must follow which includes allowing festival guests to bring in cocaine to snort.

Miami city officials are sure that cocaine will keep the virus from spreading and for extra precautions the music festival will have Lysol spray fog machines to be sprayed every 10 minutes.

A police tent will be on site to make sure that drugs being used at the festival are free from the CoronaVirus and encourage festival goers to visit their tent for a better and safer party experience. They’re even willing to offer hand cuffed rides for those interested.