Las Vegas unemployment rate spikes up 75% as club promoters are out of work

It’s looking ugly for the Las Vegas strip as it seems the unemployment rate spiked up overnight with the city’s bunch of annoying club promoters stuck at home with nothing to promote, but virtual raves and live streams. The strip, known for its foot traffic of sex workers and over promising club promoters seems to be a total ghost town. Some club promoters though are taking this situation and seeing a benefit to it.

Eduardo a club promoter for Hakkaasan in MGM Grand told us that he sold everything in his home , but the couches and mattresses. He shares the home with his mom who was currently in a hospital bed being treated for the Corona. Eduardo took advantage of the opportunity while his mom was away to bring the club life home. “ I still gotta get paid bro… bringing the bottles for the VIP areas I made throughout the crib. It gets lit here especially during virtual rave parties I throw”. We hope for Eduardo’s mom to recover, but not too quick since there are more money making opportunities (I mean) virtual rave parties to throw.

Wook who was left in tent realizes Electric Forest ended after 10 months in k-hole

It’s been 10 months since Electric Forest ended and Peace Traveler real name Greg Olsen has finally come out of an apparent K-hole. Unnoticed by other attendees and festival organizers, Peace traveler was in a deep state while chilling in his tent. What kept him alive throughout the whole period especially when temperatures dropped was the self defecation and urination. A bond between the 2 almost created an igloo like effect that kept warmth nested in. It was also a self source for nutrients to be absorbed by the skin which kept Greg hydrated and well fed.

Greg claimed he made a huge mistake and thought that the k he was snorting was Cocaine. “I took 4 fat gator tail lines to the right nostril and that’s all I can really remember” said Greg. Now staying with relatives in Denver Colorado Greg has a lot of time to reflect and says that “when unsure always test bump the product”. Greg warns even though K-holes are fun, it ain’t cool being found like a butterfly stuck in its own cocoon of harden shit and urine.

Police search for a suspect dressed in all black who ran into a techno event

News coming out of Toronto Canada of a suspect on the run from police got lucky enough to stumble upon a techno event, which he used to his advantage to hide from authorities. The suspect, a white, tall, thin male dressed in all black who was not identified was part of an undercover drug deal gone wrong. “The suspect armed with enough MDMA to level a city is a bad PR incident waiting to happen” said event organizer Richard Hart who seemed charged up with large pupils as if had run into the suspect himself. “Finding this individual will be like finding a needle in a hay stack since everyone attending matches the description of the suspect” said Police Chief Burton Guster . Cops will only observe from outside and avoid going undercover due to the lack of terminology used among techno enthusiasts.

Social distancing music festival that will bring a record breaking crowd planned by festival organizers

Live stream performances have kept us sane, but DJ’s have had enough and are now planning a music festival with social distancing in mind. Since the lockdown, DJ’s are forced to perform for free on live streams like circus monkeys to keep fans happy while some like Bassnectar, still can’t figure out how to price gouge and charge for live stream performances. Meanwhile DJ’s are jumping on an idea that started as a rumor. Organizers are hard at work on this music festival idea and are predicting a crowd size of 150k – 200k people a day for this 3 day event. Tickets will go on sale for a low price of $1000 and attendees will receive masks, Lysol spray and tasers to ensure 6ft of distancing is place. The event will take place in Atlanta which is perfect timing since the state of Georgia is opening back up for business.

Study: The main reason why you’ve never seen a midget wook

Before I go any further this article is not intended to make fun of dwarfism. If you’ve ever attended a music festival there’s a high probability that you’ve seen a wook. still, till today I’ve never seen a midget wook and I’m sure you haven’t either and seeing one is considered a lifetime phenomenon.

We all know wooks love ketamine and even though ketamine is normally used as a sedative for horses, wooks have found that smaller dosages give you a high that is brought by euphoria. For little people a bump of K can be too overpowering and maybe lethal. I mean who’s ever heard of a wook that doesn’t do K? Not being able to do K maybe the real reason why you’ll never come across a midget wook.

Festival security for Countdown Virtual rave-a-thon to be a no show once again

After a great start in what seems to be the temporary norm for music events it seemed Beyond Wonderland hit the nail in the coffin after stats from the virtual event came to light. Pasquale decided to take it a notch further and do away with security for this weekends virtual event Countdown. Day one proved to doubters that Mr. Rotella was right in not hiring security as it shows that there were zero altercation and no arrests made. “We’re expecting the same results for night two” said Pasquale Rotella.

Ghost producers are actually dead DJ’s

Bangers have been dropping and at times we don’t know who to really thank until now. A team of ghost busters have been investigating a case at a recording studio that is considered to be haunted. Ivan who’s lead investigator of the team and has been a ghost buster for over 40 years took this particular job due to his love of music and his belief that these amazing sequence of beats are coming from beyond the grave.

Tools like voice recorders, infrared thermometers and ghost boxes were used and placed through out the studio. Left for 24 hours to collect data and information pertaining to witness complaints, a lot that was collected coincided with statements made from those who witnessed the paranormal activities. After some research and processing it’s firmly believed that songs are still being created by producers who’ve passed away and are being taken by crappy producers to pass off as their own masterpiece. Due to privacy issues and for the respect of families still mourning names could not be released.

Ivan goes on to state that “this is not a myth and in fact true and that producers need to hop off and be more creative”. Currently there are 5 pending lawsuits from music producers against Ivan’s ghost busting agency. “The truth hurts” said Ivan.

DJ’s giveaway rolls of toilet paper for livestream views

Some DJ’s are struggling to stay relevant and social media algorithms are only making matters worst. Since a quarantine has been put in place for most part of the world, DJ/producers have had no interaction with large groups of people like they would normally. No festivals, no nightclub events, no pool parties… NOTHING! Many have had to take on live streaming and for some its looking grim. For those forced to pay for higher exposure for more views and more reaction on their livestream feed have turned to rolls of toilet paper. Toilet paper has become very valuable and is considered very limited at the moment. Who wouldn’t want free toilet paper, right? DJ’s have come up with a solution where they are giving away free toilet paper rolls to those who check in to view their livestream and show support. A bedroom producer who lives in his moms basement told us his mom loves hoarding and that he was lucky to score a whole bunch of toilet paper to giveaway to continue his love and passion for DJing.

Beyond Wonderland’s Virtual Rave-A-Thon reports 0 arrest & 0 deaths on day 1

Day 1 was a huge success and for those who attended the livestream on day 1 Insomniac thanks you. Local law enforcement and paramedics reported no incidents on day 1 and hope for the same results on day 2.

Stay tuned for day 2 that kicks off tonight at 8PM PT with another stunning lineup. Remember to always be PLUR and share your virtual water with those in need and never forget to test your goodies.